How’s this for honesty?
Where have I been? I said I’d be back after Christmas, and here it is, almost a month later and I have written nothing. What the hell?
So let’s address that. I wanted to write a New Year’s post, with my wishes and hopes and inspirations for 2016, but I couldn’t make it happen. Inspiration was not on the list of things I was feeling. The things I was feeling were depression, exhaustion, lack of knowing where my life is headed, a serious dose of martyrdom over the fact that I am the support staff to so many people, and the thought that this little writing experiment is a total waste of time. The more I snoop around the internet, the more it feels like everyone has a blog. And seventy five percent of everyone is writing about food or parenting. There is so much to read out there and a lot of it is very good. It’s daunting and had me feeling like I should just give up on this and go be useful in some way. I was hemming and hawing and moping and crying about it. I didn’t want to write another post about struggling with my dark side because, come on, no one wants to read that. But I also didn’t want to try and write some chipper thing about the food I’ve been cooking and the funny things the kids say when I wasn’t feeling the least bit chipper. It didn’t seem honest. And, lo and behold, a piece of the puzzle came together for me. That is what I want this blog to be at its core. Honest. I still don’t know what exactly Baby Loves Butter is about and I feel some pressure to get that figured out, but I do know that I don’t want to write anything that isn’t coming from a really truthful place in myself. I don’t want to give this up, I want to learn how to be better at it, and I want to turn it into something besides a hobby someday. (Whew, that last sentence was kind of tough. All the alarms are going off in my head, “DON’T SAY THAT! DON’T ADMIT IT! YOU’RE DOOMED TO FAIL AND NOW EVERYONE WILL KNOW!”) There is so much of life when we have to fake it, just to be part of polite society, and I think we all long for a safe place to admit what is really going on inside ourselves even when it’s scary or ugly or insecure. When one person has the guts to be real it makes it easier for the rest of us to do the same. So I’m going to work on being real.
I’m feeling much better this week. I have some perspective and don’t feel as though I’m doomed to the role of pit crew for eternity. Maybe for a while, but not forever. And I want to get back to this blog. Part of me thinks I should lay down some rules for myself like that I need to post every two weeks, or I need to spend x number of hours a week working on it but I don’t think that is really going to serve me, it will just make me feel bad if I can’t stick to it. So my goal is to write regularly, and to write from my heart, and to not be too hard on myself when life gets in the way.
More coming soon.
Inspiring post as usual, Ivy.
It made me think of how being honest with oneself, without the emotional states of fear, guilt, anger and resentment that so often get in the way of it, is also the first and maybe best way to start taking care of oneself.
It’s hard to be honest with yourself without gaining some perspective and that is always a good thing.
Ivy you are a gifted writer.
Ivy, Ivy, Ivy. I loved that bit about just wanting to learn about being better. My old Aunt Fran used to say “You just got to be yourself, and the better will take care of itself.” Go easy Miz Ivy, go easy.
I think I need an old Aunt Fran. Thanks Kitty.
Dear Ivy.
I feel privileged to have been afforded a glimpse into your soul life as I am practically a complete stranger. Privileged because I too have been struggling with bouts of depression, because I too had hoped to do a lot more communicating over the holidays especially with you dear families whom I so suddenly left in the lurch, and privileged because I too have always suffered from that all-too-common tendency towards self-criticism which often makes it impossible to continue even trying. Bravo to you for recognizing and laying down priorities: who says no one wants to hear about your “dark side”? We all have one and it is precisely it which keeps the sunny side from degenerating into soupy superficial sweetness, about which I for one have little interest in bathing myself in. So thank you for your honesty, thank you for being brave and may our friendship grow beyond the confines of the virtual. You’re a great family which I feel privileged to know. HAPPY NEW YEAR IVY!!!
Happy New Year to you too Mark, I’m glad to know you read this. I think everyone struggles with these things from time to time and for me, admitting my humanness is often the first step in feeling better. I have written about my dark side quite a lot in the last few months which is the only reason I said something about people not wanting to read that. I figure it might be good to give people a break once in a while so they’ll want to come back.
I hope that you are taking care of yourself and getting the support you need to feel well; you have a lot on your plate. Hope to see you soon.
We’re listening! Speak your truth!! xoxo