Where have I been? I said I’d be back after Christmas, and here it is, almost a month later and I have written nothing. What the hell?
So let’s address that. I wanted to write a New Year’s post, with my wishes and hopes and inspirations for 2016, but I couldn’t make it happen. Inspiration was not on the list of things I was feeling. The things I was feeling were depression, exhaustion, lack of knowing where my life is headed, a serious dose of martyrdom over the fact that I am the support staff to so many people, and the thought that this little writing experiment is a total waste of time. The more I snoop around the internet, the more it feels like everyone has a blog. And seventy five percent of everyone is writing about food or parenting. There is so much to read out there and a lot of it is very good. It’s daunting and had me feeling like I should just give up on this and go be useful in some way. I was hemming and hawing and moping and crying about it. I didn’t want to write another post about struggling with my dark side because, come on, no one wants to read that. But I also didn’t want to try and write some chipper thing about the food I’ve been cooking and the funny things the kids say when I wasn’t feeling the least bit chipper. It didn’t seem honest. And, lo and behold, a piece of the puzzle came together for me. That is what I want this blog to be at its core. Honest. I still don’t know what exactly Baby Loves Butter is about and I feel some pressure to get that figured out, but I do know that I don’t want to write anything that isn’t coming from a really truthful place in myself. I don’t want to give this up, I want to learn how to be better at it, and I want to turn it into something besides a hobby someday. (Whew, that last sentence was kind of tough. All the alarms are going off in my head, “DON’T SAY THAT! DON’T ADMIT IT! YOU’RE DOOMED TO FAIL AND NOW EVERYONE WILL KNOW!”) There is so much of life when we have to fake it, just to be part of polite society, and I think we all long for a safe place to admit what is really going on inside ourselves even when it’s scary or ugly or insecure. When one person has the guts to be real it makes it easier for the rest of us to do the same. So I’m going to work on being real.
I’m feeling much better this week. I have some perspective and don’t feel as though I’m doomed to the role of pit crew for eternity. Maybe for a while, but not forever. And I want to get back to this blog. Part of me thinks I should lay down some rules for myself like that I need to post every two weeks, or I need to spend x number of hours a week working on it but I don’t think that is really going to serve me, it will just make me feel bad if I can’t stick to it. So my goal is to write regularly, and to write from my heart, and to not be too hard on myself when life gets in the way.
More coming soon.